I know I am a bit late, but the holidays always seem so busy. I’m currently waiting for the software I use to mark pupils coursework to come back online after it’s scheduled maintenance. That means I can sit in the office and let the kids think mums marking we can’t disturb, which is a rare luxury. So, New year, new us and all those other cliches. Are New Years a moment of existential crisis? A kind of mental benchmark, another moment for us to measure ourselves, set goals (resolutions) or intentions.
When I was younger I would always make New Year’s resolutions, I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to brush my hair at least once a day, I’m going to be a better human, you know the usual stuff.
But somewhere down this road, I have realised life is not about the things that I can affect. Life is all about the things I can’t affect. The past few years have been tough, in fact, more gruelling, then I could ever imagine with studying, working, car accidents and not much fun in between. But, I enter 2019 feeling contented and happy. So, this year I only want things that money can’t buy.
The past few years I have mainly been operating in the flight or fight position, so I’ve lived on adrenaline, my anxiety has been so bad at points that I didn’t ever think I would be well again. So the question I asked myself was why do you do this to yourself Frankie? Why do you work so hard? I never was pressured by family or by anyone else, the only response I have is I had to prove to myself that I was worthy. So, this year my biggest priority is to feel peace within.
I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be a woman who can accept a compliment and not blush because I deserve it. I want to walk proudly down the street knowing that I didn’t do harm to anybody. I want to feel that I am worthy.
Protect my peace- I want to protect my peace this year more so. Last year I spent so much time giving a part of myself, my energy, and my mind it exhausted me. I forgot I was important too. The ‘friends’ involved they were never thankful, they just wanted to get to their metaphoric destination and I was a stepping stone for them to achieve this. They didn’t mind how much they inconvenienced me or how much time it took, but why did I allow this? So, 2019, I will protect my peace. Of course, I will still help my friends and family but I will set clear boundaries in order for me and them to remember I am important too.
Also, I want to feel happiness in my heart. For some reason, there isn’t much happiness in my life. I remember having face ache from laughing too much all the time when I was younger, now that’s just a memory. Maybe I don’t have enough time for my private life and that’s why I didn’t feel that happiness. But on reflection, I don’t think that was the problem.
The problem is I gave myself to the wrong people, the people who didn’t deserve that time, our souls weren’t aligned. The problem might be all those calls I never got while I deserved them. The problem might be all those messages nobody sent me while I never forget them. The problem might be all those kisses and hugs I never had. And finally, the problem might be all those warm words that I never had a chance to hear.
This year, I want to dedicate more to myself and find that happiness in my heart and my soul that is fighting so hard to come out.
So, this year, my only resolution will be things that my soul needs. I need love, happiness, peace, time to be reflective, time to achieve my goals, not ones others have set for me. My soul needs hope, care, happiness, harmony, kisses, hugs and all those positive feelings I craved so much.
No matter what happens, I will try to give my heart and my soul everything that they need. Just like our body needs food to be healthy, our soul and our heart need love for our psyche to be healthy. When we practice in self-love we send a message to ourselves saying we matter, it makes our mind and body stronger, making us more resilient to stress.
And most of all, I want to be a woman with self-worth. I want to tell myself every day that I should be happy because I deserve to be, I am worthy, I am enough. I want to remind myself that I am doing much better than I think and that no matter how much some people want to see me down, I will never be there. Because I don’t give in to adversity or to bullying.
And in the end, when I get that peace within that I crave so much, I won’t selfishly keep it only for myself. I want to share it with my family and friends. I want to help all people to feel this blessing that I will feel and I want us to enjoy it forever.
So, 2019, I will stand with more love, I will be more stubborn, more heart, more dreams for me to dream and to achieve. I hope you are ready for me because I am sure as hell ready for you!