You may shoot me with your words. You may cut me with your eyes, and you may kill me with your hatefulness. But still, like air, I’ll rise (Maya Angelou).
I have so many goals I want to achieve, I can become impatient with myself that I am not reaching them quick enough, my inner dialogue starts screaming ‘Frankie what are you doing, you’re wasting time’ but learning to reflect teaches me just how far I’ve come.
This year has been a year of growth, I have learnt so much about myself, who I am, what my passions are and my resilience levels. When things can become too much for me, I need to listen to myself more, to the signs my body and mental health are giving me and learn to rest. I am learning to control my emotions, to control how I react and to embrace every change like it was the best thing that is happening to me.
This year professionally has been amazing, and I started a new job that I love. My business with my sister goes from strength to strength, we extended the garden where the business is, and we opened our kitchens for food. I feel proud to be able to provide local people (and my best friends) a place to work. I’ve learnt I am mentally stronger than I have ever given myself credit for, I can overcome adversity and that after reading Farrah Storr’s book- the discomfort zone, I have realised how much I enjoy being in that zone myself. This is the place where I push myself to achieve things I never thought I could. When I first started publishing my work, I thought can I write or was this just a one off? Well, I finished the year with being one of the most read authors on the ACAMH blog and being nominated for an academic writing award. Furthermore, the university wrote a kind article about me overcoming adversity.
“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.” ― Anaïs Nin
In my personal life, there has been betrayals and heartache. What irritated me the most about these situations, is the fact that I wasn’t feeling humiliated, annoyed or fooled. I felt betrayed and let down, and I was heartbroken not just by the people I was in love with, but also by people I once believed to be real friends.
I have to remember everyone comes into our life for a reason and they were a huge part of my journey to this point, so, for this reason, I thank them. They taught me a lot about myself and if I’m honest I kind of like the person I was becoming.
We can’t change how people treat us or what they say about us. We can’t control how someone acts, their beliefs or how they feel it is ok to treat us. But we can set our standards and refuse to be treated any less than what we deserve. We can’t control someone’s devotion. No matter how much loyalty we give them, it doesn’t mean they will treat you the same way. But we can take control of the situation and choose to walk away from this manipulative behaviour. We can’t change if someone wants to use us as a stepping stone to achieve their next goal, all we can do is change the way we react to it.
If we desire to live in a world full of love, humility and kindness, we need to be accountable for the energy we put out. Therefore, we must be confident in the energy we place into the universe that in years to come we can be proud to have placed it there.
Inner peace is not about having a lack of chaos in your life, it is the ability to stay aligned to yourself, and your mindset within the midst of all that life can present to us.
I have learnt that lessons will keep presenting themselves to us with the same energy dynamics, we will continue to explore them until we have learnt to respond with awareness and truth rather than reacting to our emotional triggers and what our previous reinforcements have taught us. In this process, we are interrupting unconscious reactions and neutralising the limitations patterns.
The biggest lesson I have learnt is to protect my peace and you can do this by setting metaphorical boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines that let others know how to treat you, how much energy you are willing to give them and how you will respond if someone pushes those limits.
My daughter continues to astound me every day, and I am so proud of who she is becoming, her confidence has grown so much this year. I can’t believe I made and raised such an incredible human.
Another amazing memory from this year as we journeyed to the edge of the world in our beloved 35 year VW campervan ‘Reggie’, it was amazing, so tranquil and so peaceful. He’s currently off the road, but we are hoping to get him fixed up ready for the spring.
In our pursuit of happiness, in order to love who, we are, we cannot hate the experiences that shaped us. Everything that has happened to me through the years, no matter how painful it was, shaped me into this human I am today. Yes, I am flawed, yes I make mistakes, but I am human, and I am worthy. I learn, I reflect, I grow. And still like the air I will rise.
What to expect from 2019?
I am in a place of contentment, I’m happy, and I am beginning to love who I am extrinsically and intrinsically. When I started on my pursuit of happiness, I would always refer to myself in the third person, as this is how detached I was from myself. I wanted to be far away as I could be from myself and my psyche, I began by talking myself kinder, but I would always have to do my inner dialogue in a northern accent (again showing how detached I was from myself). But now I can say I like myself and I am learning to love myself. That’s a pretty good feeling. I still have bad days when I am hard on myself, the line for self love isn’t straight but up down, round and round, but I will get there.
Today, I was telling a friend (I say a friend loosely) of my ambitions for 2019, and they were looking at me and smirking, I knew they were thinking I had childish whimsy dreams. But, it doesn’t bother me, I know I will try to achieve them, and if I don’t, well, I tried! We will meet people who refuse to see the light and magic is us because they cannot see their own.
But I will always come from a place of love and kindness.
This time of year can usually make me down and disheartened, as people become caught up in consumer madness, the time I enjoy the most is the period between boxing day and new years when everyone has relaxed and they are enjoying being around loved ones. So, the last I can say is thank you all for the love and support I have had this year and for being with me on this pursuit of happiness. I hope 2019 you will dream big and achieve everything you wish.